


KEEPING UP WITH THE STRILONDES

by sunflowerwonder



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Gen, I just threw all four strilondes in a chat together pop some popcorn, Implied Alpha Dave/Alpha Rose, Implied DirkJake, In which Dirk Strider attempts to plan a family vacation, Memo fic, dave and rose co-parent their kids wow, pesterlog fic, some sexual references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowerwonder/pseuds/sunflowerwonder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT2: Nobody inquired of your opinion, Roxy.<br/>TG: nobody gives a fuck of your opinion on my opinion mom<br/>TG2: tsssshhhh lalonde you just got roasted like a pretentious hipsters overly complicated coffee by your own daughter<br/>TT: Can we please, for the love of all things ironic, focus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KEEPING UP WITH THE STRILONDES

**Author's Note:**

> Not the best quality-wise, but I believe the greatest fics are those that you laugh through the entire process of writing.
> 
> This is the same AU as wehavedamnfinekids.jpeg, where Dave and Rose co-parent their kids in California while retaining an ambiguous relationship with each other.

timaeusTestified [TT] opened a memo on board DAVE I KNOW YOU’RE NOT PACKED YET SO DON’T EVEN TRY TO LIE TO ME.  
timaeusTestified [TT] added tipsyGnostalgic [TG] to the memo!  
timaeusTestified [TT] added tentacleTherapist [TT2] to the memo!  
timaeusTestified [TT] added turntechGodhead [TG2] to the memo!  
TG2: i take personal offense to that board title  
TT2: And yet I’m assuming you undoubtedly remain unpacked.  
TG2: shut up lalonde im getting there  
TG2: ill have you know ive been amping myself up for this trip for like two months  
TG2: cross country with my family hell yeah its like a disney movie up in here  
TG: lol whens the last time a heartfuzzying family film took place in a private jet amongst rich eccentric and crazy hot blonds?  
TG: obvs i have been watching the wrong disney channel  
TG2: wait a minute why the fuck does rox get to be tg number one  
TG2: i look like some sort of shitty knock off  
TG2: or a straight to dvd sequel  
TG: clearly its cuz im btr thn u  
TG2: bullshit  
TT: Roxy gets to be TG and not TG2 because I added her first. Now can we stop fucking around for five seconds and actually get down to business?  
TG2: to defeat   
TG: the HUNS!!  
TT: No.  
TG2: *kickflips off unreal air to high five roro l money*  
TG: *somersaults off the fucking handle to return strider D-lites radical gesture*  
TT: It’s official. 66.666% of my direct family members are emotionally stunted thirteen year olds stuck in the nineties.  
TT2: That’s two-thirds. I appreciate your implication to my maturity in comparison to Roxy and Dave.  
TT: No problem.   
TT: Now if a particular adult male can stop making overused and unnecessary Disney references we need to discuss travel plans.  
TG2: cmon you were asking for that one  
TG: its tru  
TG2: yeah for reals bro  
TT: I was not.  
TG2: yo lalonde senior back us up here  
TT2: I suppose Dave did choose an opportune moment for a reference.   
TT: Watch it Mother dearest or you’re going to bump that number to 100%.  
TT2: Consider me thoroughly threatened, my cherished son.   
TG2: haha you little prick you just got a shot of your own overly passive agressive medicine via snarkshrew herself  
TG2: how does it feel now huh shit tastes exactly like questionable closet apple juice doesnt it  
TT: I’m perturbed, if you’re actually curious.  
TT2: As you should be.  
TT: We’ll call it a draw due to more important matters at the moment, Lalonde. Don’t count on me being so merciful next time.  
TT2: I certainly wouldn’t dream of it.  
TG: jesus christ and yall say *me and dave* are the kids here  
TT2: Nobody inquired of your opinion, Roxy.  
TG: nobody gives a fuck of your opinion on my opinion mom  
TG2: tsssshhhh lalonde you just got roasted like a pretentious hipsters overly complicated coffee by your own daughter  
TT: Can we please, for the love of all things ironic, focus.  
TG2: alright alright what the hell is it  
TT: I’ve finalized all flight arrangements at the LAX. We’ll have a relatively easy non-stop flight to New York. From there I’m trusting the Lalondes to get us to their supposedly miraculous vacation home.   
TT2: We’ve already secured transportation to Rainbow Falls, so don’t worry.   
TG2: i cant believe you own a fucking mansion in the middle of a national park and just let it sit there 360 days out of the year  
TT2: It’s a positively lovely mansion residing in the middle of a national park, Dave. And it will be positively lovely to see it again.  
TG2: how can you say that with such aw we live in fucking california lalonde  
TG2: what else could you possibly want  
TG: our rnbw falls house is like really rad though???  
TG: i mean on top of being totes fuckin GINORMOUS its also really pretty out in the woods  
TG: and who knos davey maybe some fresh airll be good for ya  
TG2: i like my stale apartment air thanks  
TT: Dave I spent four hours rearranging your goddamn schedule so that we could actually fucking take a family vacation. So you are going to sit you ass down in that airplane seat whether you like it or not.  
TG2: okay fine shit lil bro relax  
TG2: really feeling the family fun times over here  
TT2: I believe Dirk is simply worried about your recent erratic work habits, Dave. We all deserve a break now and again.  
TG2: okay but my idea of a break isnt walking among blackmagic trees and murderous talking animals in the middle of lalondeville usa  
TG: dude i promise we keep all grimsarkish majyyks practicing contained in the basement   
TG: what kinda witches do you take us for huh??  
TT2: There’s no need to reason, Roxy. He simply doesn’t understand our kind.  
TG: but i want to mother!!! he needs to know the truth   
TT2: Not yet, Roxy. It’s too soon.  
TT2: Imagine what he will do when he finds out he’s truly nothing but a second rate douchebag director.  
TG: oh the absolute HORROOR!!!  
TG: *ahem  
TG: HORROR!!!!!  
TG2: fuck both of you to hell and back  
TT2: Language, dear. Not in front of the children.  
TG: or else my poor babu ears will start hurtin from ur completely obscene language  
TG2: youre both nothing but a pair of obnoxious vixens  
TT: Can we PLEASE get back to business.  
TG2: to defeat  
TT banned TG2 from responding to the memo.  
TG: the HUNS  
TT banned TG from responding to the memo.  
TT2: Well, so much for a family meeting.   
TG hacked the memo!  
TG unbanned herself from the memo.  
TG unbanned TG2 from the memo.  
TG2: thanks rox  
TG: np  
TT: I hate you all.  
TG banned TT from responding to the memo.  
TG: haha motherfucker did u rly think you could block me  
TG: youve obviously forgotten that my mad hax skillzzz rival your own  
TG renamed the board SEXY SCIENCY SPARKLY STRILONDE FUNTIMES.  
TT hacked the memo!  
TT unbanned himself from the memo.  
TT renamed the board OH HELL FUCKING NO.  
TG banned TT from responding to the memo.  
TG renamed the board DIRK STRIDER HAS A GIANT STICK SHOVED UP HIS ASS.  
TG2: oh my god  
TT2: I see maturity runs in the family.  
TT hacked the memo!  
TT unbanned himself from responding to the memo.  
TT renamed the board FUCK OFF ROXY.  
TG renamed the board MAKE ME.  
TT renamed the board ROXY WRITES EXPLICIT FANFICS OF MY BRO AND HER MOM.  
TG: that was unfuckingcalled for  
TT2: I’m rather curious as to what exactly those entail.  
TG2: as am i  
TG renamed the board DIRK SUCKED JAKE ENGLISHES DICK LAST SATURDAY ON THEIR DATE.  
TT: I did not!  
TG2: didnt you guys just go to a movie though  
TG: *waggles eyebrows*  
TT2: Goodness.  
TT renamed the board ROXY FANSUBS TENTACLE PORN ANIME IN HER SPARE TIME.  
TG renamed the board DIRK USES HIS NEIGHBORS WIFI TO ILLEGALLY TORRENT YAOI.  
TT renamed the board ROXY CYBERS WITH MY AUTO-RESPONDER AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK.  
TG renamed the board DIRKS DILDO COLLECTION IS BIGGER THAN MY MOMS.  
TG2: this true lalonde  
TT2: I don’t know, ask your kid.  
TG2: touche  
TT renamed the board ROXY GETS OFF TO FURRY PORN.  
TT2: Alright, that’s enough.  
TG renamed the board COME ON IT WAS MY TURN I HAD A GOOD ONE.  
TG: wait i mean  
TG: come on it was my turn i had a good one  
TT: What a shame.  
TG banned TT from responding to the memo.  
TT banned TG from responding to the memo.  
TG banned TT from responding to the memo.  
TT banned TG from responding to the memo.  
TG banned TT from responding to the memo.  
TT2 unbanned TT from responding to the memo.  
TT2 banned TG from moderator rights!  
TT2 banned TT from moderator rights!  
TT2: That’s enough.  
TT2: Regardless of your rivaling intentions, I’ve learned far more about my children’s sex lives tonight than I ever consciously cared to know.  
TT2: Now I hate to take Dirk’s stick and metaphorically shove it up my own ass, but we really should be making plans for when and where to meet tomorrow.  
TG2: no no please dont stop the excitement on her account guys  
TG2: i just popped some popcorn  
TG2 renamed the board KEEPING UP WITH THE STRILONDES.  
TT2 banned TG2 from responding to the memo.  
TT2 renamed the board STRIDER/LALONDE JOINT FAMILY MEETING.  
TT2: The next person to touch the board name is getting visited by the horrorterrors in their sleep tonight.  
TT2: No more acting like obnoxious schoolchildren. Especially you, Strider.  
TT: Me?  
TT2: Both of you.  
TG2 unbanned himself from responding to the memo.  
TG2: hey dont diss the strider name there lalonde thats like an infomercial guarantee for bad mojo  
TT2: How the hell did you just unban yourself?  
TG2: majykks  
TG: lol up high strider sr  
TT: I suspect a blonde flighty broad with a superfluous amount of computer skills as the culprit.   
TT2: I agree with your suspicion.  
TG2: look i get it head witch rose and her emotionless vampire assistant dirk want to have the vacation all planned out like the overcontrolling dysfunctional messes they are  
TG2: but seriously lets just relax alright  
TG2: weve got a private jet and a giant mansion in the middle of fucking nowhere so theres no need to stress  
TG2: hell we could sleep in tomorrow if we wanted  
TG2: so i am going to propose a very serious preposition  
TG2: and say that we screw everything and just fucking wing it  
TT: Dave that’s your goddamn solution to everything.  
TG: im in favor  
TT: Roxy. Seriously.   
TG: yeah bro i mean i dont really see this memo heading anywhere else  
TT2: She has a point. It’s getting late.  
TT: Not you too. I thought you were supposed to be the rational parent here. You guys can’t actually think this is a good idea.  
TG2: youre outvoted no matter what  
TT: Fine. You want to have this vacation with absolutely no guidelines? That’s fine by me. Just remember when this travel train comes to an attempted screeching halt on the edge of sanity mountain only to barrel off anyway in a complete and utter fucking tragedy of an attempted Disney story about the true meaning of family that it wasn’t. My. Fault.  
TT: Now get some sleep. We have to travel all the way to New York tomorrow.  
TT closed the memo.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
TG: where the fuck are u guys???  
TG: the planes been ready for like twenty minutes and they need the runway for other shit  
TT: Dave never packed. We’ll be there as soon as he literally gets his shit together.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--


End file.
